blessings

The last few months have been extremely hard on me. Hell the last few years have been, but in all the stress and turmoil soooo very many amazing things have happened too. I think the melt down began for me when I lost the baby a couple years ago. This was beyond hard for me because I did not just lose a baby, but had to choose. I get really sick with all my pregnancies. Actually with each one it kind of doubles. With Brenden I was just boarder line diabetic with no preclempsia. With Devin I was full blown diabetic, passing out all the time and at the end I became preclemptic. I swelled up so much and by the end my blood pressure was through the roof and I'm usually low to normal. With Brady my diabetes was through the roof and was preclemptic again had to be rushed to the hospital for induction because of my blood pressure was so high they were afraid for both Brady and I. The next time I got pregnant I knew I was before I was even late because of how sick I was. Went straight to being diabetic before I even should of known I was pregnant and within a week was preclemptic. I was so afraid. I remember a few nights being on a phone with my friend at like 2 in the morning laying on my side trying to not have a heart attack because my low blood pressure was beyond dangerously high. My dr told me most likely I would not be able to carry to term and my health was seriously at risk. Now I told my hubby that I was sick already, but he did not know the extent until after I was ok. I made the decision to end the pregnancy and had one of my friends terrified I would change my mind and keep myself at risk. That was the hardest time of my life and I went into a pretty deep depression. With my kiddos I do everything to keep my health not an issue with them so they are healthy and strong. With Brady that entailed pricking my finger 5 times a day and eating only about the same three things everyday because those things kept my sugar levels at a good level and kept me off insulin. I LOVE my dr with him because she was fine with me doing this as long as I kept up with the journaling my sugar levels everyday and having a meeting with her once a week on how I was doing. I have to say after he was born I did not want to look at humus for a while because I ate it so much. lol I have come to find out that I have Post Traumatic Stress Disorder because of what happened when I was 17. My trigger is stress. Usually I can pull myself through it after a bit, but this one was a dozy. I shut down totally and threw myself into my kids and volunteering at the aquarium. For about 3 months it was mostly the volunteering. In my head though when events like this happen I don't talk hardly at all the words seriously can't even come out of my mouth. It is seriously like I want to scream, but am numb with a ton of bricks on me and I can't. After 2.5 yrs I'm finally waking up and talking to my hubby about it. Unfortunately I have been kind of forced to do this because at this time I too was barely paying the bills and got us in a bit of trouble. The other night I had to finally tell my hubby and was dying. I wanted to tell him soooo many times, but seriously he would come home, kiss me hello and I just went numb with fear of my words causing me to lose everything and this time it really is my fault. Finally I had to and after him getting me to focus I told him. By this time I'm looking down thinking he will hate me now and my words just made me lose everything again, BUT. Instead he told me how he knew something was up and really wished he said something and that we will be fine. He grabbed my face and kissed me, told me he loves me and that no money would ever change that. I began to sob uncontrollably and hugged him so tight and he told me that he is not my mother. lol That made me laugh because he just knew that is where my head was. We had a long amazing talk that night and not that I think I'm on the other side yet, but I certainly finally feel like I'm on my way there and for about the first time ever I'm not alone. I know it has always been this way, but my fear has always kept it from happening. It just makes me so amazed what split second motions carve out our lives. For me there has been a few. The big ones, being raped and having my mother blame me, losing my best friend and grandmother within 6 mo of each other, losing my baby at 5 mo pregnant and then losing a baby again. I have to say though with both of those loses the most amazing things happened as well. I found my amazing husband both times. It still amazes me how in those moments there are still amazing moments as well. It is funny looking back on the last month and me trying soooo desperately to heal and grow without dealing with the real issue. I said sooooooooooooo much, but yet nothing. I was sooo beyond fearful of losing my husband because of my depression and how I neglected the finances that I thought maybe I can fix everything around it and not have to speak. Now to be honest I knew that wouldn't work, but so wanted it to. I was so beyond afraid on Thursday that I literally past out a couple times. Yep that is my lovely PTSD at it's finest. My body literally shuts down totally sometimes. Have to say though I'm finally working through this and am now I team with my hubby in EVERY WAY. We have always been a team on almost everything, but when I really stress about something I shut him out and now he knows this and he is helping me so I won't do it any longer. : )

I have to also add something I learned soon after I lost my baby 2.5 yrs ago. I found out I have my great grandma's genes. My great grandma actually died in child birth with her 4th child. She had all the same issues as I do and that just kind of blew my mind. Now for me I'm pretty sure if I were alive back then I would not of made it past my second pregnancy because of the one I lost at 5 months. There were lots of complications with that, but still it was beyond bizarre to find this out at that time. I always knew my grand mother lost her mother when she was young, but did not know how or why. Have to say not too fond of my great grandfather that left them all and put them in an orphanage, but fond an even larger love for my grandma and all she went through. She was always my biggest cheerleader and loved me beyond unconditionally and losing her at 20 was so horrible, but she is always with me.

How?

I've been questioning the why and then I see my kids and I wonder how. lol I have some amazing kids. I do have to say I do parent asking why and try and help them through those why's when they come up. Give them the healthy tools they can use in their lives. Now I'm starting to see them use these tools and it amazes me. I saw my middle guy this week work on a project to stop something he is passionate about and how he really started to do something in a couple days. I'm talking got some big people in the reptile world involved and all to help. See my oldest see things how they are and how he wants to be and work towards that. Even my little guy amazes me and makes me smile.

My guys all three of them when they were little would get these pains in their legs at night. I had them when I was little too and the dr said they were growing pains. Well when they would get them I lay next to them and rub their legs til they fall asleep. Last night my little guy had them. He is HUGE into questions and talking so he asked me how I knew that rubbing makes your legs feel better. I told him because I had them too when I was little. He then asked who rubbed my legs. I told him me which he thought was funny and laughed. He then looked puzzled and said why didn't your mommy and I told him because she just was not that kind of mommy. He then looked at me with big eyes and said I don't know how to rub my legs. I reassured him that I will rub them and he does not have to worry about that. He smiled and gave me a HUGE hug and rubbed my back. It was so sweet. I've noticed so much lately how much my kids give back in just little ways that to them is normal and just what you do. I've brought this up to my oldest before because I've been told by others most kids don't do that and he is an amazing kid. This always gets my oldest upset and his response is what I do is not exceptional it is just what everyone should do. I should not be the one pat on the back and applauded because I'm doing what everyone should do the others are the ones that should be pointed out that they are not.

why?

This is a question I ask a lot with people and think needs to be asked far more. I look back at a lot I went through when I was younger and sometimes now and think how I wish someone would of just asked why? I ask this a lot with my own children and is kind of my rule in parenting. Kids I feel for the most part are good and when they are acting up or not their norm there is usually a reason. I know there must be a reason my mom did and does the things she does. People I think go on and just say that she is a stupid teenager or she is just this or that, but they don't ask why. I remember in hs I went to a very large one, but my principle was very cool and would teach one class a yr and I was in one of those very fortunate classes. I loved that class and actually got to know how great of a principle/teacher he was. When I was going through all this at 17 he was my history teacher. He saw me in the hallway one day and I looked a mess. He literally walked by me and said come to my office. I went there terrified and he had a man in his office when I got there that he kicked out just to speak to me. He sat me down and I knew he was concerned. He gave me a pass to leave class whenever I needed to talk to someone to make sure I was ok. I went to a wealthy hs and we actually had two psycs on the premises. I actually saw her twice, but just stopped all the sudden and right now for the life of me I don't remember why because I really liked her. I've been thinking about that a lot this weekend because I don't think my parents were ever notified. I know my mom knew the principal took time out for me because I remember the speech of how I took his valuable time, but I don't remember why for not seeing her more. Why?????? The more I look into this the more I realize how important that question really is.