blessings

The last few months have been extremely hard on me. Hell the last few years have been, but in all the stress and turmoil soooo very many amazing things have happened too. I think the melt down began for me when I lost the baby a couple years ago. This was beyond hard for me because I did not just lose a baby, but had to choose. I get really sick with all my pregnancies. Actually with each one it kind of doubles. With Brenden I was just boarder line diabetic with no preclempsia. With Devin I was full blown diabetic, passing out all the time and at the end I became preclemptic. I swelled up so much and by the end my blood pressure was through the roof and I'm usually low to normal. With Brady my diabetes was through the roof and was preclemptic again had to be rushed to the hospital for induction because of my blood pressure was so high they were afraid for both Brady and I. The next time I got pregnant I knew I was before I was even late because of how sick I was. Went straight to being diabetic before I even should of known I was pregnant and within a week was preclemptic. I was so afraid. I remember a few nights being on a phone with my friend at like 2 in the morning laying on my side trying to not have a heart attack because my low blood pressure was beyond dangerously high. My dr told me most likely I would not be able to carry to term and my health was seriously at risk. Now I told my hubby that I was sick already, but he did not know the extent until after I was ok. I made the decision to end the pregnancy and had one of my friends terrified I would change my mind and keep myself at risk. That was the hardest time of my life and I went into a pretty deep depression. With my kiddos I do everything to keep my health not an issue with them so they are healthy and strong. With Brady that entailed pricking my finger 5 times a day and eating only about the same three things everyday because those things kept my sugar levels at a good level and kept me off insulin. I LOVE my dr with him because she was fine with me doing this as long as I kept up with the journaling my sugar levels everyday and having a meeting with her once a week on how I was doing. I have to say after he was born I did not want to look at humus for a while because I ate it so much. lol I have come to find out that I have Post Traumatic Stress Disorder because of what happened when I was 17. My trigger is stress. Usually I can pull myself through it after a bit, but this one was a dozy. I shut down totally and threw myself into my kids and volunteering at the aquarium. For about 3 months it was mostly the volunteering. In my head though when events like this happen I don't talk hardly at all the words seriously can't even come out of my mouth. It is seriously like I want to scream, but am numb with a ton of bricks on me and I can't. After 2.5 yrs I'm finally waking up and talking to my hubby about it. Unfortunately I have been kind of forced to do this because at this time I too was barely paying the bills and got us in a bit of trouble. The other night I had to finally tell my hubby and was dying. I wanted to tell him soooo many times, but seriously he would come home, kiss me hello and I just went numb with fear of my words causing me to lose everything and this time it really is my fault. Finally I had to and after him getting me to focus I told him. By this time I'm looking down thinking he will hate me now and my words just made me lose everything again, BUT. Instead he told me how he knew something was up and really wished he said something and that we will be fine. He grabbed my face and kissed me, told me he loves me and that no money would ever change that. I began to sob uncontrollably and hugged him so tight and he told me that he is not my mother. lol That made me laugh because he just knew that is where my head was. We had a long amazing talk that night and not that I think I'm on the other side yet, but I certainly finally feel like I'm on my way there and for about the first time ever I'm not alone. I know it has always been this way, but my fear has always kept it from happening. It just makes me so amazed what split second motions carve out our lives. For me there has been a few. The big ones, being raped and having my mother blame me, losing my best friend and grandmother within 6 mo of each other, losing my baby at 5 mo pregnant and then losing a baby again. I have to say though with both of those loses the most amazing things happened as well. I found my amazing husband both times. It still amazes me how in those moments there are still amazing moments as well. It is funny looking back on the last month and me trying soooo desperately to heal and grow without dealing with the real issue. I said sooooooooooooo much, but yet nothing. I was sooo beyond fearful of losing my husband because of my depression and how I neglected the finances that I thought maybe I can fix everything around it and not have to speak. Now to be honest I knew that wouldn't work, but so wanted it to. I was so beyond afraid on Thursday that I literally past out a couple times. Yep that is my lovely PTSD at it's finest. My body literally shuts down totally sometimes. Have to say though I'm finally working through this and am now I team with my hubby in EVERY WAY. We have always been a team on almost everything, but when I really stress about something I shut him out and now he knows this and he is helping me so I won't do it any longer. : )

I have to also add something I learned soon after I lost my baby 2.5 yrs ago. I found out I have my great grandma's genes. My great grandma actually died in child birth with her 4th child. She had all the same issues as I do and that just kind of blew my mind. Now for me I'm pretty sure if I were alive back then I would not of made it past my second pregnancy because of the one I lost at 5 months. There were lots of complications with that, but still it was beyond bizarre to find this out at that time. I always knew my grand mother lost her mother when she was young, but did not know how or why. Have to say not too fond of my great grandfather that left them all and put them in an orphanage, but fond an even larger love for my grandma and all she went through. She was always my biggest cheerleader and loved me beyond unconditionally and losing her at 20 was so horrible, but she is always with me.

How?

I've been questioning the why and then I see my kids and I wonder how. lol I have some amazing kids. I do have to say I do parent asking why and try and help them through those why's when they come up. Give them the healthy tools they can use in their lives. Now I'm starting to see them use these tools and it amazes me. I saw my middle guy this week work on a project to stop something he is passionate about and how he really started to do something in a couple days. I'm talking got some big people in the reptile world involved and all to help. See my oldest see things how they are and how he wants to be and work towards that. Even my little guy amazes me and makes me smile.

My guys all three of them when they were little would get these pains in their legs at night. I had them when I was little too and the dr said they were growing pains. Well when they would get them I lay next to them and rub their legs til they fall asleep. Last night my little guy had them. He is HUGE into questions and talking so he asked me how I knew that rubbing makes your legs feel better. I told him because I had them too when I was little. He then asked who rubbed my legs. I told him me which he thought was funny and laughed. He then looked puzzled and said why didn't your mommy and I told him because she just was not that kind of mommy. He then looked at me with big eyes and said I don't know how to rub my legs. I reassured him that I will rub them and he does not have to worry about that. He smiled and gave me a HUGE hug and rubbed my back. It was so sweet. I've noticed so much lately how much my kids give back in just little ways that to them is normal and just what you do. I've brought this up to my oldest before because I've been told by others most kids don't do that and he is an amazing kid. This always gets my oldest upset and his response is what I do is not exceptional it is just what everyone should do. I should not be the one pat on the back and applauded because I'm doing what everyone should do the others are the ones that should be pointed out that they are not.

why?

This is a question I ask a lot with people and think needs to be asked far more. I look back at a lot I went through when I was younger and sometimes now and think how I wish someone would of just asked why? I ask this a lot with my own children and is kind of my rule in parenting. Kids I feel for the most part are good and when they are acting up or not their norm there is usually a reason. I know there must be a reason my mom did and does the things she does. People I think go on and just say that she is a stupid teenager or she is just this or that, but they don't ask why. I remember in hs I went to a very large one, but my principle was very cool and would teach one class a yr and I was in one of those very fortunate classes. I loved that class and actually got to know how great of a principle/teacher he was. When I was going through all this at 17 he was my history teacher. He saw me in the hallway one day and I looked a mess. He literally walked by me and said come to my office. I went there terrified and he had a man in his office when I got there that he kicked out just to speak to me. He sat me down and I knew he was concerned. He gave me a pass to leave class whenever I needed to talk to someone to make sure I was ok. I went to a wealthy hs and we actually had two psycs on the premises. I actually saw her twice, but just stopped all the sudden and right now for the life of me I don't remember why because I really liked her. I've been thinking about that a lot this weekend because I don't think my parents were ever notified. I know my mom knew the principal took time out for me because I remember the speech of how I took his valuable time, but I don't remember why for not seeing her more. Why?????? The more I look into this the more I realize how important that question really is.

Same, but different

This weekend was one of those eye openers for me. Having Brenden have a taste of how I grew up and hearing his prospective was so good for me. Mike and I discussed it some over dinner on Saturday and Mike had me laughing. He said how that he does not like that Brenden is going through what he is, but knowing Brenden it will be good for him to help him grow and he is a good kid with a great head on his shoulders. : ) He then went on to say our middle guy could NEVER do this because it would crush him. Soooo true because he is our guy that is hard on himself and we work soooo hard on making him stronger and it has been working and the last thing we need to do is ever do that to him. lol Now with our youngest he said we will have to make them take him for a summer because he will so let them know how it is. lol This cracked me up because again soooo beyond true.

I was feeling so sick going to my parents on Friday, but once I got there it was so different. Now I had not felt that feeling of seeing them since my 20's, but that trip stuck with my mom was a definite breaking point with me. I guess sometimes you have to go there to really get past some stuff. Anyway, I got there and they started talking about stuff and it was like they were actors in a movie. My Dad was playing his dad/grandpa part and my mom the happy I so want you to be my friend needy part. I have to say it just made me take a deep breath and think "I'm going to be ok". Heck I'm me trying to be a better me and not playing any part.

Before now I thought I saw my parents and even though I went through a lot I just thought to have a relationship with them I just have to get past it. They were that way because of things they went through and at least for me I'm working on healing instead of living in the pain. Thought I was past it because I had a pretty good relationship with them despite everything. Then I got trapped with the mom I grew up with to DE. lol I always tell my niece that when you live with crazy you have to either become it or leave it. I'm deciding to put a healthy me near it once in a while. lol It is hard to explain, but I was at my mom's yesterday and I was back to being able to be around her, but this time it was different. I wasn't just getting past, I was there, strong the adult and this time being the adult around my mom really didn't bother me instead I thought "thank you". : )

Cindy

When I was 20 I lost my best friend to cancer. I actually lost my Grandmother that I was extremely close to in Feb and then lost my best friend to cancer on Nov 1st. Will NEVER forget that day and for some reason I've been feeling her so strongly lately. There are a few songs that when I hear I only think of her and they have been coming at me a lot lately and on Sat they were coming at me in such a weird way. There are three songs I think of her the most with Hotel California, Stairway to Heaven and Skid Rows 18 and Life. The Skid Row song was just a silly one we loved and would blast in our store we worked at when ever it played on the radio. This one always makes me smile when I hear because I think of running back and turning it up and then her and I singing it loud in the store with customers and all. : ) The other two are my serious ones though. They are the ones I think of her and cry with. The day she passed to me was like a twilight zone episode. I will never ever forget my car ride into work. Now at the time I was still really upset with my grandmother's death and with my best friend really sick so all my friends unknown to me had a plan on telling me together when she did pass. However on this day no that knew her was in the store and were not able to get to the store in time to make things ok by the time they found out. Anyway, while I was driving into work I kept seeing her in my backseat and I had this sick feeling. When Cin started getting sick she could not drive because of meds and I drove her to and from work a lot. One time I will never forget because she was very out of it on meds I joked with her and asked where my hat was. She started saying cheerio James because she was always driven. lol Anyway, she really started looking for a hat and started to get upset saying I can't find your hat. I told her don't worry that it is ok. That afternoon when I saw her in the backseat she had on a chauffeurs hat. I just knew and when I walked into the store everyone just looked at me as I walked into the back. Now this day our district manager was there. A different one from when Cin was there and this person did not know her. I was white and felt sick and the district manager just looked at me and said " I guess you know Cindy died". I fainted straight to the ground. That is how I found out. When I came to again my dm told me to take a few hours off, come back at 4 so you can close the store. The only person that was to come in to close with me was the only other employee that knew Cin. I normally would of switched and did something since I was assit manager, but the dm refused to allow me to change a thing. I just told EVERYONE that if Jen got there before me to NOT tell her anything that I would because I did not want her to hear like I did. We listened to a classic rock station in the store, always had. That night Jen came in and saw I looked a mess, but did not know why. When everyone left and we had no customers I sat her down and told her and the radio started to play Stairway to Heaven. We cried and cried off and on all night. I swear they played that song like three times that night. One time it played and Jen and I both just sat on the floor and cried and we had a customer ask if we were ok. She was the only one that did that whole night and I swear she cleared out the store for us. lol The other song is Hotel California because the last big thing we did before she got really sick was go to a Don Henley concert. The concert was full of older people that just sat there and did nothing, but Cin and I enjoyed ourselves. Dirty Laundry came on and we stood up and danced and Hotel California played and we swayed back and forth with our lighters in the air. We just had fun and did not care. No one else stood, but oh well. lol I always think of us embraced swaying back and forth whenever I hear that song. I LOVE that song. Cin was my best friend that we shared disfunction and getting through. We had this dream of just taking off and living on an island selling shell necklaces to tourist without any care in the world. lol Well, I usually go through periods of thinking about her at least once a yr, usually around Nov 1st. This time it started Fri night. I was on fb and someone posted some psyc thing about Stairway to Heaven. It was this deep indepth thing on it and I swear every word I read went in one ear and out the other and all I can think was to me it just makes me think of my best friend. Then on Sat we went to Tin Lizzies and my friend told me this song creeps me out. I had to stop and listen to what the song was because I did not even know yet and it was Hotel California. I said I love this song and she went on to explain why it creeped her out and how that it is about they are trapped and can never leave and in my head I just kept thinking I just love it because I think of Cin. Then I get home and chill with my hubby and he stops on the movie "the song that stays the same" by Led Zeppelin. I had never saw this before so when they play Stairway to Heaven I just say WTH and explain. lol I just told him what was strange is this time they are all coming to me with some psyc meaning and explaining and all I think no it is just Cin. Still have no clue. lol Other than nope just Cin. <3

Balance

For a while now I've been getting lots of things telling me balance. Well, I was getting them and then a trip with my mother threw me far off balance and as far too many have seen with this blog it is not a pretty sight. lol For me the world is a wondrous, beautiful place that gives you messages all the time if you just stop and listen. I do have to admit I see them sometimes whether I like it or not. If I don't and ignore I usually end up with the cosmic 2 x 4 which I'm going through now. HATE the cosmic 2 x 4 and so wish I listened, but oh well sometimes you just need that push and with this I did.

This weekend was so bizarre. Thursday night was a rough one for me. Kind of fell apart and then on Friday I had to venture to my folks to pick up my oldest. I felt like I was 18 again and sick to my stomach and terrified. That day my son told me how my father was acting and it had him a mess. I had to be there for my son seeing a grandfather he had never known, but a father I very much knew. I'm just thankful it was to a much lesser extent of what I had to go through growing up. I apologized to him because I felt so bad he was going through that and I had always worked very hard for him not to go through those things. He in turn told me that it was fine that he is glad because it put a lot of things in perspective and that he now understands things a lot better. He loved me, was thankful I was his Mum and that he was sorry for what I had gone through. In turn that put things in perspective for me because he saw almost nothing. I survived both picking him up and dropping him off and learned lots during the weekend. Starting to feel some balance return thank goodness. lol Right now I don't feel like so much a mixed up jigsaw puzzle but more like one that has it's pieces in place, but not together. Trying to get the courage up to start putting those pieces together. Still have a few place that are still a bit jumbled, but not as overwhelming as before.

Had a few talks with my hubby and he is starting to understand. I realize that I really don't show the impact of things. Most of the time I just keep on keeping on and all that for years has caught up to me. To my family though I'm happy and helping so they don't get it when all of the sudden it has gotten to me. Mike and I went out to dinner on Sat night. We went to my fav Chinese restaurant. He has been suggesting that a lot lately which is what he does to help me when he thinks I'm sad and does not know what to do because he knows I LOVE chinese food. We sat behind a dad and his daughter. Mike had his back right up to them their whole meal and when they got up to leave he gave the guy a look. I thought it was because of the way the guy looked. He was one of those guys that worked out, but did it wrong so his body looked off so I said that yeah he is built strange. Mike's like "no it wasn't that I just feel really bad for his daughter". I asked why and he said that the whole meal he just belittled her and told her how she is doing everything wrong. The little girl was about 9 and just sat eating with her head down the whole meal. I in turn said I was that little girl and it only got worse as I got older and restaurants were great places for that because they can talk and talk and you can't react because you were in public. Many things like that happened this weekend and it made me realize even more how amazing our universe is. Because of things that have happened in Mike's life he is very much the type that is like yeah that stinks, but dwelling on it does not help so move on. For him I understand he has to, but for me not so much. For me I'm the type that obviously it does not work because I did that for a long time and I'm right back to the beginning. Well, same issue but stronger me thank goodness. For me it also isn't dwelling it is working through and fixing.

A time for me......

Many of my friends have been saying it is your time. Heck even my astrologer friend had it in my birthday chart reading. lol Said it was my time to shine and be heard. I look at things and my life and realize I do everything so others don't have to go through what I did. Heck even doing this without talking to my hubby because I don't want to stress him. I always tell myself I'll tell him on the weekend so that if he can get his sleep and then on the weekend don't because I want him to be able to relax on his time off. Now I know deep down he so would not want this and would hate to think I'm going through this without him, but I keep doing it. In between all this crazy post and falling apart in my room or late at night while the kiddos are asleep I'm playing, cuddling and teaching my kids. Seriously just took a silly face break and listened to the ocean in some sea shells with my four yr old. Actually, I think that is more for me than him. lol He is very much my seize the day kiddo and reminds me that I must of done something right. After all this time of always thinking of others and how to teach them, support and guide them by looking at their needs I don't know how to finally look at mine. I don't know even where to begin really. I do in little ways I guess. I took the baby step of volunteering at the aquarium, but now I'm realizing that was only a baby step because it helped fill a love I have, but did not fix the reason I did not go there before. Kind of bypassed that step and am being forced to deal with it now. lol I have to say taking that first step for me is so beyond scary. The more I think about it the more I realize that helping others does not mean forgetting oneself. I guess with having a mom that just does things for herself makes you fearful of going there, but actually to be healthy you need a balance and I need to start evening out this beam so I can actually be there more so for my kiddos. : ) Ok that is so easy to say, now I must do! lol