some background

It is funny, you go through life a lot of times thinking been there done that and go on with things. Then one day all of the sudden it hits you like a ton of bricks and you are right back where you were when you were 16 and trauma happens. Well, at least that is what it feels like, but you aren't. I think things like this happen for a reason. At 16 when all that was happening you weren't ready to deal with it or did not have the support of tools to deal with it. Now 20 something years later and lots of learning and growing life tells you you are ready and bam you have to. lol That is where I am today. Life is amazing that way. When I was 16 I was raped. For me it was a date rape. I drank too much, passed out on the couch and wham. Now this would of been hard enough to get past and in my messed up 16 yr old head was horrified because I was always told you were a bad girl if you ever had sex with anyone that you did not love so I made myself fall in love with the guy. Made it ok in my head at the time. Went with him for a year and suffered through abuse the whole relationship. Kept that whole part quiet because of fear of not being a good girl and now mom adores the boyfriend so all is good at least on the outside. Then I get a wake up call. What woke me up finally was him accusing me of cheating on him. I put up with all his abuse and he accused me of cheating on him. Don't know why that woke me up, but I was thankful and got out. Now I'm a good girl so I would never cheat. Now time goes on I get a new boyfriend who was sweet and nice. Mom is mad because she adored the other guy and feels betrayed by me. I finally in a very now 17 yr old way told her what the "perfect" guy did. In turn my mother told me I was an alcoholic whore and how could I do this to her. Needless to say I did not know how to react to this. I have gone through about every emotion and reaction to this through the years and still to this day have NEVER told her how this hurt me and how this one moment in time shaped me. I went through life trying to get my mom. You know the one that helps and is not sooooo afraid to take any blame that she puts it on everyone else in order not to look at herself. I suffered through her telling people all over how I was a horrible person. Would be stopped in restrooms by strangers telling me that they wanted me to know that my mom was saying horrible things about me and all I could do was cry and think "but I'm a good girl". Never did drugs, rarely drank ~ learned that one the hard way and was always trying to help others. So I went through life, had children of my own and learned many things. I learned how to be the best mom I can be and to go on with my life. Then one day I have a young girl I'm very close to come to me with many of the same experiences and help her through it. Think the whole time what I would of needed and was there for her in that way. Now I'm talking years of being there and helping, guiding and supporting and now I see she can see the light and has made it out the other end and is doing sooooooooo well. I however mourn what I never had and am having to deal with what I never have. So this is where I am which feels very much like finally picking up the pieces of a mixed up jigsaw puzzle and putting it together and with a little work I know it is going to be an amazingly beautiful picture. : ) So thankful for so many things that make me strong enough to do this including my very loving husband. <3 So basically this is my blog. It is going to be my everyday battle of finally speaking up for me. I seemed to have lost my voice that day when I was 17 and this is my journey to get it back.